Anxiety inhibits sexual pleasure

Anxiety is processed by a part of the nervous system which directly opposes the sexual and relaxation responses of the body. Anxiety and orgasm are not compatible!

Sense what you feel in your body, quickly pass your attention around your body and just check out the sensations. It’s actually the arousal in your body which drives the arousal in your mind – and that allows you to have an orgasm.

Conversely, the more you analyse the experience, the less aroused you may be in your mind. A certain degree of “letting go” of thoughts and feelings about events extraneous to sex, masturbation and orgasm is important as you move toward orgasm.

That’s where you can consciously choose to make this process work for you: be deciding that you want it to happen, that you will do all you can to make it happen, and that you’ll accept the experiences, thoughts and feelings which flow from it. After that, it just takes time!

Changes in the female body during sexual arousal

There’s a sexual response cycle which more or less charts the course of sexual arousal from a standing start through arousal to orgasm. It’s slightly different for men and women; but it may help you to have a sense of what to expect as you become aroused and approach orgasm.

You may already have noticed some of the changes in your body – swelling of the labia, increased moisture in the vagina, selling of the clitoris, and a change in colour of the genitals as you get more aroused. Your breasts will become more sensitive to touch, and you may feel other sexual desires – to be vaginally penetrated, perhaps, or to embrace a lover, or to thrust your hips. All of this is normal…..these changes are part of the female sexual response cycle.

It’s been said that the sexual response cycle starts with sexual desire. However, that’s too simple. Desire and response are interchanged: a physically aroused woman doesn’t always feel sexually aroused; sometimes her feelings of sexual arousal develop after she has become physically aroused; sometimes sexual arousal develops only after cuddling, kissing and other forms of foreplay.

In other words, it’s not always clear what starts the process of sexual arousal, and sometimes it needs a kick start to make it happen! That may be when you actually have to decide you are going to have a pleasuring session or enjoy sex with your lover. You can’t always wait for nature to do its magic all by itself!

However, if you have a low level of sexual desire and it stays that way for much of the time, and shows no sign of increasing when you become orgasmic, it may be worth looking further into why that is so for you.

The Female Sexual Response Cycle

The first phase is known as the excitement phase. Sexy or erotic feelings produce vaginal lubrication – perhaps large amounts, perhaps only a little. Women describe this in various ways – a feeling of fullness, or swelling, which is caused by the clitoris and labia becoming engorged with blood. At high levels of arousal your clitoris will retract a little.

Your breasts may be swollen, your nipples erect, and the whole area more sensitive than usual. Internally, the vagina becomes wet, ready for penetration, and swells and lengthens.

Then you reach the plateau phase. You may find some flushing on your skin, changes in your breathing and heart rate, and a darkening of your labia. You may have muscular tension, which makes you feel different sensations in your body. Or you might not – things differ from women to woman as well as from one time to another in the same woman.

The next phase is the one during which orgasm occurs, if it’s going to do so. Of course, orgasm is not necessary for good sex: for many women, the closeness of penetration and lovemaking is very satisfying whether or not they are given an orgasm or have an orgasm.

But it is possible that if you reach the plateau phase and you do not have an orgasm, you’ll feel frustrated – tense, desiring sexual release (an orgasm, in other words) and possibly a bit irritable and emotional.

The orgasm phase speaks for itself, it’s the part of the sexual response cycle where your sexual arousal mounts to the point where you tip over into orgasm; which is effectively a release of all the sexual tension, both muscular and emotional, which has built up during your sexual experience.

You may feel a series of rhythmic muscular contractions or pulsations accompanied by a tremendous feeling of pleasure, or you may just enjoy a slight sense of sexual release – it all depends on the circumstances at the time.

It’s probably not an exaggeration to say that all orgasms are different. In all cases, though, the objective is to make you feel relaxed enough to enjoy whatever happens without fear or worry. You aren’t necessarily going to have an orgasm during sexual intercourse. For many women, the clitoris is the place where they get most sexual excitement – and it isn’t a place that gets stimulated much during intercourse.

You can, of course, use your fingers (or your partner can use his fingers or tongue) or a vibrator to provide additional stimulation to you clitoris during sexual intercourse. This can help you enjoy an orgasm while your partner has his penis in your vagina.

When you have had an orgasm, the blood which has swollen up the sexual organs slowly drains away and you return to your unaroused state.

But this change happens much more slowly than it does for men, so it’s always useful to keep in mind that it may be better for a woman to have her orgasm first, then for her partner to enjoy his. 

You may be wondering what affects how easily you can have an orgasm, whether during sex or masturbation. Obviously, where you’re at in your menstrual cycle is one of the biggest factors, for your sexual desire probably goes up and down as your cycle progresses.

Your mood, too, can be a significant factor in desire and ability to achieve orgasm – when you’re depressed, not only are you less interested in sex, but you’re much less likely to have an orgasm.

Taking the contraceptive pill can affect your sex drive – some women report that it lessens their sex drive. If this is a concern for you, see your doctor and ask for a different formulation.

Since hormones have such a big effect on our sex lives, it’s no surprise to find out that pregnancy and ageing have some impact on sexual desire. The relationship between sexual desire and ageing is not straightforward though, for some women who go through the menopause report that they have a much higher sex drive…which perhaps reflects the fact that they no longer fear getting pregnant.

Ways to help yourself reach orgasm

You may not know this, but it’s possible to trigger your orgasm, if you’re sufficiently aroused, by using some stimulus you find especially exciting. For example, you may find some of these helpful in tipping yourself over into orgasm:

• Tense up your muscles: legs, stomach, feet, arms, hands, especially if you find your body naturally tensing up near orgasm.

• Contract your vaginal muscles, by squeezing and releasing them as you near orgasm.

• Encourage your body to move into orgasm-mode by thrusting your hips, moving your hands over your body, pressing your thighs together, or whatever else you feel moved to do.

• Use a mirror to watch yourself.

• Use different body positions (e.g. lie on your stomach with a pillow between your legs to stimulate your clitoris).

• Use sexy clothes that make you feel sensuous.

• Try holding your breath or panting quickly.

• Watch some erotic films or DVDs.

• See websites that can inform you about sexual techniques likely to produce orgasm.

And if you still think you aren’t getting near orgasm

Your attitude counts for a lot – if you maintain a positive attitude, confident that you will become orgasmic in the near future, and committed to the exercises, then success lies ahead. Look here for some examples.   And here!

Explore all the possibilities in your self-pleasuring sessions, taking time to try all the options and ensuring you don’t rush or hurry through the exercises. If you haven’t yet had an orgasm, don’t focus on that; just carry on stimulating yourself in the same way, two or three times a week for two or three weeks more. After that, move on. Success will come (and so will you!) eventually.